the STUPID pile

I'm updating this now.
Still working as a teacher at an academic upgrading centre in brampton. I make lunch for myself every night and get up at 5.30 in the morning every day of the week. I have a report on one student which needs to be done by tomorrow, but i already wrote one today so i'm highly unconcerned about the next one. i was told it needs to be done "tomorrow" so i'm sure tomorrow at quitting time is fine. they didn't say WHEN tomorrow...
i want to draw  and make some new stuff but looking at the empty paper just makes me want to wreck it and break pencils. i want to bang out a new demo reel, you know, not give up on the initial goal and keep trying for that job. what i have in mind for it sounds like it would be a much better reel than what i have now, but making it just seems damn near impossible at this point. i have everything i need but time.
the only time i really have for myself is friday, where i go hang out with a few friends after work. i dont hang out with very many people (you already knew that) and fun friday is usually a toss-up. sometimes i'm comfortable and i have fun, but sometimes i just feel tense and unable to really say anything worthwhile, and sometimes friday is just some stupid shit that happens.
the more people you see every day, the more of their problems you can see, their routines and basically kind of what their lives are like. at the same times of day, you see the same people on the bus, you see the same people waiting in line at the tim hortons first thing in the morning, you see the same people struggling to make it to class every day, the same people in the elevator. every time you see them it puts a little piece into this little story of their lives that you've made. maybe they look tired today, or sad, or hurried, or nervous, or distracted  by something. i find their stories are not all that different from mine. they're in the same places everyday at the same time, just like i am. but even as i use these stories to give the best advice i can to these people when they ask for it, it makes me realize how little i really know about myself. I still dont know how to have a normal conversation. i dont know how to make friends, they just seem to happen. i don't know how to talk to a girl that i'm interested in (who has standards) without shitting bricks.
since i became an instructor, when i open my mouth and say something, people actually listen and take my opinion seriously. this is hard for me to handle because no one has ever really done that before. i dont think anyone should listen to me, i barely even trust myself.
anyways, these were my words in their raw form, sans censorship. usually when i think of something to say, it goes through a STUPID/NOT STUPID filter, and alot of stuff (no, not all of it) gets sent to the STUPID trash. since that filter isn't in the way right now, i'm sure nothing i just said made any sense at all.
i typed alot. i'm sorry if you have read this far.
later.